


Dr. Aprostate

by darktensh17



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M, Medical Procedures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-02
Updated: 2013-08-02
Packaged: 2017-12-22 04:11:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/908761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darktensh17/pseuds/darktensh17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Ander gives all the male companions prostate exams.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dr. Aprostate

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the kink meme.

Anders was a healer and not your every day healer either. He was a damned good spirit healer and even though they didn’t always appreciate it he did everything that he could to keep Hawke and his companions healthy. That included one of the most hated health exams out there, Anders knew that this wasn’t going to be easy, especially where chaste not-quite priests and broody elves were involved.

The first step was brining it up to Hawke who also cared about his companions’ health. It also helped that Hawke was in a relationship with Isabela and likely had no issues with a man shoving his fingers up his ass. Anders knew the kind of kinky things that Isabela was in to. 

Luckily for him Hawke was fairly agreeable.

“Well, that is pretty important.” Hawke said thoughtfully. “It might take some convincing though; maybe give them a little speech about why this is so important. I’m sure Varric will be sort of okay with it, Carver will be a tit but he’ll do it if I say so and well Sebastian might if we get the Grand Cleric to order it.” He paused and shook his head. “I don’t know what you’re going to do about that.” 

Anders rolled his eyes at that. “I was hoping as his friend you could convince him. If not my only other option is to drug him and tie him up.”

Hawke didn’t look amused at that. “I would not suggest that course of action.”

“I know, I know. I wouldn’t dream of it, maybe I can woo him to letting me shove a finger up his ass.” 

“I don’t think that will go over too well either, I’ll try to talk to him. I make no promises though.” Hawke shook his head and then shrugged his shoulders helplessly. “Until then you may as well start with the less objectionable people.”

“You’re right.” Anders told him as he turned and dug through his pack. 

Hawke was quiet for a moment and then looked a little nervous as Anders pulled out a jar of slick from his back. “What do you need that for?”

Anders grinned at Hawke, feeling just the tiniest bit of sadistic pleasure at Hawke’s discomfort. “I’m starting with the least objectionable person.”

The way Hawke squeaked made it all the more satisfying.

-

It was two days before he could corner his next patient. Not that he actually had to corner anyone, so far. Hawke’s check-up had gone great and he was pleased to see his next patient come in right on time. 

"You know Blondie usually I'm taken out to dinner first." The dwarf joked as he entered the clinic, which was empty of patients. 

Anders shook his head at that and began to rub the slick between his hands. "Do you really want to go through all the trouble or reservations, possibly bad food and then having to Bianca you're seeing someone else?"

Varric pursed his lips at that. "You have a point there. I can’t lie to Bianca, if it’s to make sure that I get a clean bill of health she’ll understand.” He sighed and went over to Anders, undoing his trousers as he went, “let's get this over with quickly and never speak of it again."

“Never speak of it again until the next time you need a check up.” Anders said with a laugh.

“Just get this over with Blondie.”

-

By his third patient, despite the seriousness of the situation, Anders was having a ball. He took the actual check-up seriously, but seeing all his male companions squirm was making his week. When Carver Hawke walked into his clinic on the fifth day, Anders could see the black cloud practically following him in. He knew that Garrett had ordered Carver to stop in and that the younger Hawke was livid about that. 

Anders was prepared though.

“Have a seat Carver; I want to talk to you about prostate cancer and its effects.” He motioned for Carver to take a seat on the cot. He had a special closed off area just for these exams, not wanting any of his patients to feel embarrassed or exposed. 

Sulking mightily Carver took a seat. “I don’t know why I have to do this.”

Anders kept his expression neutral. “Do you want to have kids some day Carver? Or even sex for that matter?”

He watched Carver bristle at that. “I’ve had sex before!” 

“And you enjoyed it right?” Anders waited for Carver’s nod before continuing. “Some of the biggest effects of prostate cancer are impotence and infertility. So not only will you not be able to have kids but you’re not going to be able to get it up to enjoy sex. And that is only the tip of the spear head. There’s the inability to control urine flow, weakening bones and the pain that comes from it spreading into your bones. This can all be prevented if the cancer is caught early, and to do that all it takes is a simple test, one that I am willing to give you for free.”

Carver looked both shocked and still slightly sceptical. “And all you have to do is shove your fingers up my butt to test for it?”

Fighting to keep his face straight due to how Carver had phrased his question, Anders nodded. “It only takes a few short minutes.”

“And that’s all you’re going to do? You’re not going to do anything weird?”

Offering Carver his most reassuring smile, Anders reached for the slick. “Trust me Carver, I’m an expert. 

-

It was almost a week after Carver that his before last patient grudgingly made his way into the clinic. The ever esteemed Brother Sebastian had been forced there by the order of Gland Cleric Elthina after a letter Anders had sent her regarding his concern for Sebastian’s health. He had been very detailed in his letter, although he noticed she had once again ignored his wishes for her to intervene with Meredith on behalf of the mages. 

“How good to see you Sebastian, please come in.” The sour look on Sebastian’s face was certainly an expressing Anders had never seen him make before. “I take it the Grand Cleric received my letter?” 

The glare Sebastian sent his way was as a big yes as any verbal affirmation would have been. “I also see she chose to ignore the second part of my letter in regards to the situation with the mages. Ah well, nothing to do about it for now.” His jar of slick was starting to get pretty empty; he was going to need to invest in another one soon. “Pants down and bend over.”

Sebastian squeaked at that and looked ready to protest. “Come now Sebastian, I’m sure you’ve had lots of guys and girls with their fingers in there. And if you don’t do it I’ll tell the Elthina.” The way Sebastian’s face went from anger to fear was entertaining. The prince of Starkhaven really did have a lovely arse, especially when it was displayed so beautifully. If only this were another time and another place. 

-

And then there was one; two weeks and he had yet to see everyone’s favourite glowing elf. 

Not that he had expected for it to be easy of course. When Fenris and magic were concerned it was never easy, even though Anders didn’t actually need to use magic for this particular exam. Given Fenris’ history though, and his prickly nature, Anders could guess that the test made him uncomfortable for an entirely different reason. 

Of course this still needed to be done, whether or not Fenris wanted to do it or not. Of course Anders wasn’t going to force Fenris to let him do the examination; he was just going to use every tool in his arsenal to get the stubborn elf to come to him. 

He never expected Fenris to be dragged in kicking and cursing by all of his previous patients. Given that it was quiet one moment and the next he could hear cursing in Arcanum, it was likely that Hawke and co had dragged Fenris through the secret passage from Hawke’s mansion.

“When I told you to try and convince Fenris to come, I didn’t mean that you should force him here.” Anders was only slightly amused and he tried to keep things serious by crossing his arms sternly. “He already has enough problems with mages without me forcing myself on him.” 

Judging by the looks on his friends’ faces that hadn’t come out quite right. “You know what I mean!” 

He took a deep breath to reign in his anger. “Put him down gently and all of you go, I think you’ve all done enough helping for now. Fenris I can’t force you to stay but I would like to speak with you about what I need to check and why.”

Everyone was quick to leave, with the exception of Fenris which actually surprised Anders. He locked up the clinic after and sat down on one of the cots motioning Fenris to sit as well. The elf refused, remaining standing with his arms crossed over his chest. Everything about how he was standing screamed pissed off; Anders would have to treat lightly. 

“Look Fenris the test I have to do is simple, it doesn’t take very long and it could help sae your life. It- “

“I know.” Fenris said abruptly, holding up a hand before Anders could speak. “I was Danarius’ prised slave; do you not think he took every means he could to ensure that I was always healthy? The test you speak of has been forced on me many times.”

Well now Anders hadn’t been expecting that, although given what he knew about Danarius from Fenris’ stories he really shouldn’t have been surprised. “I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to Fenris.”

Fenris rolled his eyes at that, “I am not stupid mage. I may distrust you and I loath your demon but you have never done anything that would harm anything, at least so far.” Though still barbed they were some of the kindest words that Fenris had ever said to him. “I do not appreciate that you would go to such lengths to get me here though. I will not be forced into something I do not wish to do.”

“I didn’t mean for this to happen, Hawke sometimes gets too enthusiastic with things.” Seriously though, Anders could slap him sometimes. “I won’t do anything you don’t want me to Fenris, but I would strongly suggestion we do this to make sure you’re healthy.”

He could see Fenris thinking it over. While he doubted Danarius had taken any time to explain what the test was for exactly, at least in detail, it did seem to Anders that Fenris was aware of the basics. “Should you betray the trust I am placing in you mage, I will not hesitate to rip your heart out.”

Well, that was better than what Anders was expecting. “I promise on Ser Pounce a Lot, my powers as a spirit healer, and the honour of the Grey Wardens that I will not do anything to betray your trust. This won’t take any longer than it needs to and I will make sure it does not hurt at all.” If he made Fenris feel good and relax a little in the process, well so long as Fenris didn’t tell him to stop it should be alright.

“Very well, we will proceed.”

And proceed they did with the examination going great, all his patients healthy and not terribly happy, and for Anders a weekly and then almost daily private check-up for Fenris that didn’t always take place in the clinic.


End file.
